Saturday, February 4, 2012

It's been a long time!!!!

Wow, I can't believe it's been 2009 since I've been on here! So much has happened!! I got my associates degree, and I'm working on my bachelors. I got a really great job, and I'm in the process of getting divorced. I think one of the biggest struggle that I have had is being a single mom of 3 going to school, working, and taking care of the kids and doing this all by myself. My ex-husband did not turn out to be the man I thought he was, which I know happens.

About a year and a half ago I started getting really bad anxiety attacks. I had something happen to me, that wasn't really that bad, but for some reason it triggered something inside of me. For a month after I hated the night because I was going to have to go to sleep and I feared I wouldn't wake up. I cried all the time, I worried about death all the time, and this lead to some pretty bad anxiety attacks. There was one time I was at the store and one came over me and I wanted to just grab my kids and run out, but I didn't. I talked myself down and finished what I was doing. I had to sleep on the couch with the tv on and even made my husband sleep on the floor right beside me, but he never made me feel safe. I was always at the doctor's office thinking something was wrong, and then he finally put me on some medicine. It did make me feel better, but every know and then it would hit me. I would have to look at someone, hold there hand and concentrate on my breathing. After it would go away I would become overwhelmed with emotion and would cry! I couldn't help it! They finally pretty much stopped, but now with everything I'm going through lately, they've been coming back. Not as bad, but getting that way. I've found myself going to the doctor a lot again, and thinking something is always wrong with me. Ugh, it sucks and I really hope I do not have to live my life like this forever.

This divorce has been pretty difficult and I've been going through a lot of it by myself. I do talk to my mom about things, but I've noticed I have really been wishing my sister would reach out. She hasn't at all during this time, and I'm starting to really recent her for it. Everyone thinks she is so great, but she hasn't been there for me at all! Since the separation she has not even called me one time to see how I was doing. I mean I know she has a life to, but I'm her little sister. I'm always there for her, but you can't make someone be there for you if they don't want be. One thing that my marriage lacked was support, he never really supported me like I needed and he never stuck up for me. I've never had that, and I find myself longing for that.

I'm beginning to think that there are not many guys out there like that. I mean my own dad isn't and never has been a big supporter of me. My mom says that he is, but he never shows it or tells me. I feel alone the majority of the time, and I know it affects my kids as well. I'm sad and depressed a lot which takes a lot of my time away from them, not to mention going to school and school work as well.

I know I need to get over this, and actually started talking to a someone to help me feel happy with myself. Crazy thing is I went one time, then after that she lost her husband. So now I don't go back until the end of the month. I almost have to laugh and say that's just my luck. Not laugh at the tragedy she endured, just at the situation.

I'm hoping not all of my post will be negative ones!! Lol... I'm sure all of this will pass and I will be able to share some great stories :) Until next time!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Swine Flu

We have all heard those scary words "Swine Flu" and automatically get freaked out and paranoid. When I thought of it I thought life or death. I had a friend recently text me and tell me her daughter had it. My first reaction was "Oh my goodness, is she going to be ok?" My friend just said yes of course. Here lately we've been hearing about a lot of people getting the swine flu. It's not as big bad and scary as we were lead on to believe. I think when it first came out we didn't know much about it so it scared us.

This week I was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. I had gotten it from my nephew a couple of nights before. I didn't know he had it at the time or I wouldn't have been kissing on him. There are some negatives to having the Swine Flu, but believe it or not there are also some positive things that come out of it as well.

Negative sides: I had a fever for about three days. I was freezing cold and couldn't get enough blankets on. I was literally bed rid for two and a half days; I only got out of bed to go to the bathroom, which I hated doing because I was always so cold. I couldn't be around the children let alone touch them for days. I would give them air hugs and kisses when they went to school or to bed. Night sweats are the worse!! I had to put a towel down because when I would wake up, the bed and I both were soaked! My six month old would cry and I couldn't do anything about it. I had to sit and look at her. That's all! I'm the one always home with her and take care of her the most. Plus being sick is never fun, and I don't know about any one else but I'm a little baby when I get sick. Just want to be loved and cared for. The medicine they have for it is so expensive! Have you ever heard of having Insurance that doesn't cover prescriptions? Well, I didn't until we tried to go get them and found out our Insurance doesn't have prescription coverage! We pay out the rear for that Insurance!

Oh yes, the positive side. I bet you think I'm crazy but really there is a positive side. My husband works only five days a week but it's not a normal five days. He works Monday, Tuesday, off Wednesday, works Thursday, Friday, Saturday, off Sunday. You see, he is never off two days in a row, and he's never home before six o'clock. Usually it's dinner time, then the kid's bath time, then off to bed. Not too much family time. Since I've been sick he's been home taking care of the kids. Him and the baby have gotten unbelievably close!! He has a seven year old, but was never with the mom and has only ever gotten her part time. He's never really gotten close with her, so it's a new thing for him to raise his child. It's sooo cute!!! He's been dancing around with her, singing to her, feeding her, putting her to bed, giving her baths, playing with her, loving on her! She's usually a mama's girl and every time he had her before she would always just stare at me. Now, she'll look at me for a second then turn back to her daddy! She loves laying on his chest and just babbling away. I love seeing that bond! I act like it drives me crazy but really I'm very happy to see it. He's actually getting to raise his child and it's the best feeling in the world. I'm just glad that now he gets the opportunity to do it. Of course he's always been close with my three old so that's nothing new. He's just like her daddy too!

So you see, there is a positive side. Right now I'm downstairs and he's upstairs with her. I can hear him singing to her as I type. Ha Ha! Too cute!!! Isn't the saying there is always a positive side in every situation. I hope that's the saying because then I could look forward to everything that happens in my life from here on out. Oh, by the way, nobody else got the Swine Flu in our house hold. I was, of course, the unlucky one.

Having the Swine Flu is a serious thing. One thing to look out for is fever and heavy coughing. If anyone has those symptoms they need to go see their Dr. They say you can get medicine only if it is 48 hours since the symptoms started. If not you will have to wait it out and it could take days or even weeks. Keep your self Healthy and remember to wash those hands :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just about me!

I find myself writing about things that happen with the family or the kids. I put in my occasional stories with school or my brother, but I never really take time for me. Thanks to an email I just received from a loved one, I think I'm going to talk about just me.

I don't really think that people get me alot of the time. Heck what's there to get! I've always kind of put myself on the back burner to everybody else, and it was fine to be that person. But then when it came time to me being number one, it's never really been important enough to anybody else, even if it was extremely important to me. I am a honest person, not fake. I am a good listener and I don't judge most the time. Only when someone has done something bad to my family or in my life will I judge you. I am the person that gets left out or forgotten about. I actually see this alot in my son as well. I don't know why that is, but I've pointed it out to my husband and he agrees. There for a while I thought I was just being too emotional about it or something. My opinions don't really matter to the people that I want them to matter to.

Here are a couple of crazy examples, and people will probably kill me for writing these things, at my bachorlette party I actually bought most of my drinks. I think only two people bought me a drink that night, nobody thought to buy my drinks. I'm not the type of person to say hey buy me a drink. On my wedding day, nobody decorated our car. It was more like everybody was worried about themselves and not the people getting married. It was such a weird vibe! My husband was glad they didn't decorate, but I think it goes back to my past and never being taken seriously.

I've learned to be tough and on my own because I was forced to. I got pregnant at 17 with a guy that wasn't so nice to me or my family at the time. My dad ended up taking a new car I had gotten away from me, even though I was paying for it, and gave it to my sister while he paid for it. When my son was born my family didn't help out to much. I remember my dad gave me this little car I call a rabbit, but the first time he saw the dad driving it he took it away. So here I was 18 at the time with a two month old and no car. I had to buy it from him in order to get it back. I had no money! I couldn't go to them for help or support. The only one that really supported me and that I could talk to was my brother. Heck my own grandma would talk bad about me. I was just trying to live with out my family really in my life and that's not easy. I made some really bad choices as a parent, but I learned from them. Everything that I did I did for my baby. If I saw it hurt him in some way I didn't do it again. He deserved the best life and support that I felt like I never got.

He's dad wasn't the greatest at all!! He cheated, went to to jail, hit me, even in front of our son. He belittled me and made me feel like I couldn't do anything right, but I loved him. Even though he did some bad things, I knew he loved me and there were times where he was there for me when nobody else was. The stronger I got, the more mature and grown up I got. Eventually we split ways, but it really wasn't on a bad note. I know it sounds like he is a bad person, but he really isn't and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be where I am today. That was years ago that he put me through all that and we both learned. I don't hate him, heck I still have love for the guy and to this day we still have a pretty good relationship and get a long. I wish him nothing but the best and I mean that. It still makes me laugh just thinking about how well that guy still knows me!!! We will talk and he'll say things like I know you better than you know yourself, man he's right! Lol...

Another thing I don't understand is how easy I am to forget. My sister is such a people's pleaser and she still has tons of friends back from her high school days. People flock to her for some reason. She's one of those people that goes along with whatever to please them. We are totally different! I don't talk to a single sole from high school. I would go out of my way to help anybody out, but they just don't keep in touch with me. Like even know, since I'm not working somewhere and don't see many people, all of my friends have lost touch with me. I'll send them a text and try to hang out or something, but they don't have the time for me. Perfect example, I have this cousin who has gone through soo many hard times and has been through so much!! I've went out of my way to email her, or send a birthday card telling her how proud of her I am and love her so much. My sister hasn't done any of that, but my cousin doesn't keep in contact with me but does my sister. I just don't get it! Sometimes it bothers me, but heck I should be use to it by now. It's been this way my whole life.

If you think about it though, I've been the one to really come out on top. I haven't really needed any help in life in a while because my family didn't help early in life. It made me independent, and others have to rely on parents. My grandma ended up being soo proud of me before she passed. I ended up with a great husband and I'm truly happy!!! Other's in life that have over looked me in some kind of way are not. It worked out for me and that had to do with everything I worked for. I guess I need to just think about me sometime. It's so hard for me to do that. I'm not even sure if I'll post this. I hate talking about my self like this. I think it makes me vulnerable. If I do post it, this will probably be the last time I ever post anything like this... Moral of the story is to tell myself "hey woman, you are a strong and happy woman! You are great and people that over look you are missing out. I love you!" Ha ha... that seems so strange to type. Thank you to the person that reminded me of me :) I did end up on top!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My Luck

I have decided that I have some pretty bad luck. I know it's not as bad of luck as some, the bad part about it is it's constant and about everything. For an example, I had decided to start a daycare after my baby was born. I started in June, by then we did not have much money at all and our bills were past due. I accepted a couple of kids that my husband knew their mom by the mom's brother. She ended up being crazy and so much to deal with so I had to drop them. I wrote her a two weeks notice July 7 and the last day they came was the 16th.

I am a part of this food program, they pay for your food to feed the kids. I'm a very honest person and anyone who knows me would tell you that. I was so needing money that I decided, for the first and only time, claim the kids until the 23rd of July on and not the 16th. I needed a good check to feed my kids and pay the bills. I got a letter from the food program saying that they were not paying me for what I claimed, but only to the 7th of July! The mom had called them and told them her kids hadn't been there since that date!!! I was so needing this check!! I guess we both lied, but I only lied for a weeks worth of food and I ended up with two weeks less!! They were actually there until the 16th but since the mom called and told them they were there until the 7th I didn't get paid what I actually fed them.

That's one example of my luck when I really needed it and never do anything like that ever. Heck people cheat the system all the time for stupid stuff. I know a girl that has claimed kids for years that haven't been there and she never got caught, but the one time I actually needed it it didn't pan out. That's the story of my life!!!!!

This year is my 6 month old's first Halloween. I found the adorable flower costume online and ordered it. It was to be here today! I waited and watched the door all day for the UPS truck to pull up. Finally at about 4 pm it pulled up; he put the package by my door and I opened the door and picked it up immediately. I opened it all excited and found a 4-6 year old solider costume!!! Man!!! I was soooo looking forward to it, and how does that happen!! Only to me I swear!! So I had to send it back and hopefully it comes before Halloween and is the correct costume. I just wish that the simple things would go my way. I don't want to have this luck, it sucks!!! Everyday it's something else.

I'm a great person and give back to my community the best I can, I know that sometime hopefully soon I will get my great outcome that I hopefully I deserve :)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

So many changes!

I have been soo busy it's crazy! I don't get on here as much as I would like, so today I have a lot to talk about. As far as me, I am good! I'm getting almost straight A's in school and I'm finally not stressed about money or bills. Life is comfortable! I'm looking to get my bathroom worked on and can't wait to get that out of the way. The tiles have been falling off my wall where my shower is for about a year now. You can see the mold growing on the sheet rock. Not a pleasant site or feeling.

My little is almost 6 months now and boy has she grown!! She screams, laughs, jumps around in her exersoucer, scoots and rolls every where. She is ALWAYS smiling! She's so funny!! I laugh at her all the time. She gets so excited and loves playing with the kids. She's pretty much sitting up by herself too. Still not that much hair yet, which is kind of strange for me as my other two always had a head full of hair.

I swear when they say the terrible two's I think they mean the trouble 3's and 4's. My 3 year is unbelievable these days!! She talks back, doesn't listen, does whatever she feels she wants to. For some reason last week she decided to pee in our chair and on the floor. Then she just sat in it! She's very strong minded and knows what she wants. Then other times she's as sweet as can be, loving on you, telling you she loves you every 5 seconds. She's very bright and smart. You can actually have a conversation with her like she's an adult. I can't wait until this stage is over with her!

Now on to my big 6th grader. He just had his first dance last Friday. I was sooo nervous for him!!! All he's been talking about is wanting a girlfriend and how he likes these girls, yet his grades have not been so good. Well, all but one class, so I told him he couldn't have a girlfriend until he was 15. He needs to more focused on school than girls. That's what's going to get him through in life, not girls. So he hasn't been talking too much about girls lately. Anyways, I took him to this dance and dressed him up in slacks and a polo shirt. We get there and kids are in jeans and t-shirts! I was like oh no, I hope nobody makes fun of him. You know the mom role! Luckily a lot of the 6th graders, since it's their first dance, dressed up. Afterwards I picked him up and he said he didn't dance, but had fun hanging out with his friends, and just walked around by himself too. I guess he's kind of a loner but if I doesn't mind, then I'm not going to worry about it. He's a GREAT kid!! We had lost our closeness after my 3 year old came, but these days it's coming back. The older he gets the more I appreciate him as a young man. He's such a loving, caring, emotional boy. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. I think I tell him at least once a week how much he saved my life!

It's amazing how you over look the small stuff when you are stressed out. I was soo stressed out for so long about money and bills. Now that I'm at a place where I'm not worried about it, I appreciate and see what I was missing out on. Now the important things are my kids and showing them the attention and love they so deserve. It's amazing how much they change their attitudes too according to what kind of mood the parents are in. My son made me realize that. I would never be where I am today with out him. I was young yes, but he made me want to get better for him and provide him with a house, a yard, and a good childhood. Even now, he's so grown up and he just loves me so much. That's what made me realize that I need to focus more on them and not on money or bills. Do you feel the love yet!!! Ha ha!! That's enough for now, I'll try and get on here more often... Until next time!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Wow!! It's finally catching up!

I know it's been a while, but it's been soo crazy around the house hold. I thought school was going to be easy, it was at first, but now it's getting to me a little bit. I have certain times I have to turn things in and sometimes it doesn't mesh well with my husband's work schedule. The nights when I want to go to bed early, I can't because I have homework to do. I will try to read chapters while I'm watching kids during the day and they are napping. Only problem is, is that they are never all sleeping at the same time! I pretty much never get any free time. Which is fine because I need the money, just means later nights and I like my sleep! :)

I'm starting to feel like I'm always with my kids too. I just remember being happier when I got my break at work and then came home to the family. Now, day and night, I'm constantly around them. Heck, I love the heck out of them, but give me some space! I can't even go to the bathroom with out my 3 year old following me. I guess that's what I signed up for when I had kids. Ha ha! It's really not that bad, and I don't get sick of them that much. It's actually pretty cool being about to see my now 5 month old daughter growing and changing every day. My 3 year old is getting meaner, and my son is well the same.

I'm really surprised that I'm getting good grades in school. I have two A's, a B, and one C, but I don't agree with the C because on my discussions and written assignments I'm in the high 90's and my quiz's are in the 70's. I figured it would be a B! I guess I don't know grading that much. In High School my grades were horrible!!! I was a C average kid!! I work hard now that and I'm very motivated. One thing that has made this experience helpful is I showed my son how to look for answers on quiz's. He is failing social studies, and he brought home a test. I started looking at the test and asked if could use his book. He said yes, so I got out one of my books and started showing him how he can look up answers easier. If it's multiple choice, try to look up definitions of the answers in your glossary, if its not there then look up your subject listing and see what page you can find certain subjects. He got excited and started trying to research all through my book! I can't wait to see how he does on his next test!! Made me feel good though... He really does try and he's such a great kid. I just want him to do well.

Another busy weekend for us! We have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and then Sunday my hubby is playing for the championship title in baseball!! This is his first year to the championship in gosh a couple years at least! He's excited and I'm excited to see him... School work will have wait for another day :)

Friday, September 4, 2009

MDA Telethon

The MDA Telethon is coming up this Monday! My family has religiously watched it every year. I even remember watching it before we found out my little brother had it. This is always such a great, but emotional time for us. We remember what it was like to have my brother here with us, and going to the actual T.V. station to visit everyone. My brother was always on the floor helping someone out taking phone calls, and every year one of my crazy family members would call in and make a request for the woman host to kiss Michael for a donation on live T.V.!! He always got so embarrassed! Ha Ha! My grandma would make all these big donations and get her a star on the black board. It was such a big deal for the whole family!

Since my brother's passing, my grandma had past too. It's still a big deal to my family, but not as crazy and exciting I guess. I hope that's not bad to say, but it's true. Now when we go up there to present our check, we see all these families with their kids just wanting a huge number on the tot board to find a cure for their loved one and our heartbreaks for them. We were like that too! I don't wish it on any one's family to lose someone so young and helpless.

That's why we do our benefit every year in the memory of my brother. We won't to stop families from loosing their loved ones, and to enjoy life with out the worries or hospitals. This year is very exciting for us! We are raffling off Dallas Cowboy tickets! The are off the 50 yard line, and it's the very first game in the new stadium. We announce the winner when we present out check this coming Monday! Anything to help Jerry's kids!! So good luck to MDA this year, and Jerry! Let's all hope that we raise soo much money this year it actually finds a cure! Good luck Jerry! We LOVE what you do for our families!! I've always wanted to tell him that :)