Saturday, February 4, 2012

It's been a long time!!!!

Wow, I can't believe it's been 2009 since I've been on here! So much has happened!! I got my associates degree, and I'm working on my bachelors. I got a really great job, and I'm in the process of getting divorced. I think one of the biggest struggle that I have had is being a single mom of 3 going to school, working, and taking care of the kids and doing this all by myself. My ex-husband did not turn out to be the man I thought he was, which I know happens.

About a year and a half ago I started getting really bad anxiety attacks. I had something happen to me, that wasn't really that bad, but for some reason it triggered something inside of me. For a month after I hated the night because I was going to have to go to sleep and I feared I wouldn't wake up. I cried all the time, I worried about death all the time, and this lead to some pretty bad anxiety attacks. There was one time I was at the store and one came over me and I wanted to just grab my kids and run out, but I didn't. I talked myself down and finished what I was doing. I had to sleep on the couch with the tv on and even made my husband sleep on the floor right beside me, but he never made me feel safe. I was always at the doctor's office thinking something was wrong, and then he finally put me on some medicine. It did make me feel better, but every know and then it would hit me. I would have to look at someone, hold there hand and concentrate on my breathing. After it would go away I would become overwhelmed with emotion and would cry! I couldn't help it! They finally pretty much stopped, but now with everything I'm going through lately, they've been coming back. Not as bad, but getting that way. I've found myself going to the doctor a lot again, and thinking something is always wrong with me. Ugh, it sucks and I really hope I do not have to live my life like this forever.

This divorce has been pretty difficult and I've been going through a lot of it by myself. I do talk to my mom about things, but I've noticed I have really been wishing my sister would reach out. She hasn't at all during this time, and I'm starting to really recent her for it. Everyone thinks she is so great, but she hasn't been there for me at all! Since the separation she has not even called me one time to see how I was doing. I mean I know she has a life to, but I'm her little sister. I'm always there for her, but you can't make someone be there for you if they don't want be. One thing that my marriage lacked was support, he never really supported me like I needed and he never stuck up for me. I've never had that, and I find myself longing for that.

I'm beginning to think that there are not many guys out there like that. I mean my own dad isn't and never has been a big supporter of me. My mom says that he is, but he never shows it or tells me. I feel alone the majority of the time, and I know it affects my kids as well. I'm sad and depressed a lot which takes a lot of my time away from them, not to mention going to school and school work as well.

I know I need to get over this, and actually started talking to a someone to help me feel happy with myself. Crazy thing is I went one time, then after that she lost her husband. So now I don't go back until the end of the month. I almost have to laugh and say that's just my luck. Not laugh at the tragedy she endured, just at the situation.

I'm hoping not all of my post will be negative ones!! Lol... I'm sure all of this will pass and I will be able to share some great stories :) Until next time!!